A Stir Of Echoes

It's half-past midnight, just four hours before I'm supposed to get ready for work and yet I lay awake restless, like so many nights of late. There's that loneliness that creeps into my soul late at night when the TV, the internet or the books cannot occupy my weary mind any longer. The silence is defeaning. I'd rather be somewhere where I can't hear myself think.


When I count my blessings I know I am more fortunate than others. I have a job, a roof over my head, am in good health and have never starved. But living is more than just having the essentials. It's being happy and actually feeling alive.


Ten years ago I was a totally different person. If my friends from high school and college were to spend time with me now they would begin to wonder what changed me in my years away from home. I was the life of the party, always cheerful, had high hopes and had a clear idea of what I wanted out of life. A good, fulfilling job, a family and a lasting marriage was the culmination of my dreams. So much has changed since then. My view of the world is so different compared to ten years ago. Fortunately, I haven't lost my sense of direction over the years but I have been disillusioned about so many things. Gone are the days when people held marriage sacred. Nothing seems to last anymore these days.


Sometimes people are brought into our lives to teach us a harsh lesson about reality. I have learned that loving someone does not always bring you happiness, no matter how good your intentions may be. Sometimes you reach out to someone but it's impossible to touch them because that impenetrable wall that they build around themselves gets in the way. They would rather wallow in despair than reach out and meet your hand. Misery is so much a part of them; they breathe it like air. It's agonizing and as much as you hate it you have to walk away.


On more than one ocassion I thought I was in love. That feeling is nothing but a fleeting memory now. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I can't remember the last time I missed someone so much that it hurts. I know that's where my deep-seated loneliness comes from. We're all in search of that someone. That one person who makes us whole, who holds us close when we're hurting, or holds our hand and quiets our fears when we're afraid. That someone whom we can't live without. 


I want to love someone with utter abandon. For once in my life I want to get lost completely in that feeling where time and place cease to exist. How do you find that love that poets talk about? Or does it find you? How do you pacify that hunger, that endless aching need? I always thought that fate is for dreamers, that we create our destiny from our decisions. I have made mine. I loved unconditionally. I gave without taking. And yet it was never enough. Painful experiences have taught me to cushion myself from the fall. Now I surrender and place myself in fate's mercy.


Every now and then I meet someone who sparks my interest only to find out there isn't much to go on with. People hardly take the time to know the person behind the face anymore.


Others are so fortunate to find that someone they can share their innermost thoughts with. I'm hoping mine will come my way. I still have faith that I am not destined to wander this earth alone . I need someone to come home to.


I hope sleep will come this time. I'm tired of hearing the stir of echoes in my mind.




1:39 am
March 26, 2010
Rock Springs